Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Spirit Day

So, today is Wear Purple Day, remembering the GLBT youths who have taken their own lives.  In the last month and a half there have been, what, nine young people, all under the age of 19, who we KNOW committed suicide after being bullied for being gay or perceived as gay.  Here very soon I'll be joining the ranks of the It Gets Better project.

I'm at work today, decked out in my sexy purple Imogen Heap concert t-shirt and my amethyst crystal.  I'm even wearing my rainbow bracelet.  And I was SHOCKED and amazed to see several of my co-workers who are also wearing purple, and who grinned at me and commented on my own apparel.  These are, while open-minded, not people I would necessarily have expected to give a crap about GLBT issues.  In some way they've restored part of my faith in humanity.  Little things, huh?

I couldn't sleep last night.  Got home, tired as crap, laid down, and then tossed and turned for about 45 minutes...finally I just got up, and cleared off my altar.  I found a lovely resin-cast skull the other day, life-sized, and decided he shall be called Bob.  Bob got placed on my altar, with a number of other purple items, and pride icons.  I started working Unnamed Path mojo, and then sat on my bed and talked to the spirits of the fallen for a while, offering my love, and hopes for them to find peace and rest and love, and boo-hooed like a baby.

I was almost one of those young men, once upon a time.

After all was said and done, I took a picture of my altar and emailed it out to my People, and then rolled over, staring at the flame of my candle until I fell asleep.

This morning I felt so much better.  I've been fighting off a head cold since Saturday, and I'm winning.  I've been great all day, but today has felt a little weird.  Somber, but oddly joyful.  I've seen things out of the corner of my eye a few times.  It's the season for it, I guess.  I'll be making sure everything's sealed and cleared when I get home, but I haven't been uncomfortable or scared, just startled.  Mostly I feel peaceful.

To all my brothers and sisters out there, I send you my love. I hope it helps.  Know that even if you don't know their names, there is ALWAYS someone out there who loves you.

Say Hi, Bob.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Yet another project...

Because I don't have enough to do already, I'm going to try my hand at this journalling/blogging thing again.  Not that there's that much that happens in my life that's exciting but...perhaps it will be cathartic.

As many things tend to do, this starts because of an irritation.
I'm gay.  Have been my whole life, and in a couple of previous lives.  Yes, I'm also one of those tree-hugging dirt-worshipping Pagans.  Anyway.  A major source of irritation, angst, and anger in my life is always having people tell me that I'm not _____ enough.  Not skinny enough, not well-endowed enough, not masculine enough, not feminist enough...the list goes on.  Since coming out, one of the things I keep running into is that people think I'm not GAY enough.  I haven't seen this movie or that musical, I don't like this artist or that singer...blah blah blah.  And I know that some people just think they're being twee, but honestly it's really really starting to piss me off.

Here's the deal.  No, I have never seen Victor Victoria.  I'm not particularly interested in seeing it to begin with, but being told that I have to see it so I can be really gay makes me even less likely to see it. 
I don't like a LOT of musicals.  I love Wicked, I love RENT...that's really pretty close to it, and I like them because of other themes (And Idina Menzel's voice is one I can -almost- match)... I don't like Barbara or Cher or Liza, I'm not particularly a fan of Madonna, and I love Bette Midler as an actress far more than as a songstress.  I don't particularly care for fashion or foreign film or interior decorating.  What makes me gay is not any of these things.  And I love Judy, the Wizard of Oz, and glitter.  I love fruity drinks, and jewelry.  But I don't like these things because I'm gay.  I like them because I like them. 

What makes me gay is the fact that I love men.  No, engaging in sex with men does not necessarily make one gay.  But I want to have intimate, engaging relationships with men.  My heart reacts differently for men than for women.  That's what makes me gay.  And frankly I resent anyone telling me that because I don't fit this one particular mold that I'm not gay enough.  Maybe not for you, but that's your issue, not mine.  I'm plenty gay for me.

I'm a mule-headed sort of person, and being told that in order to 'qualify' as something I already know I am I have to do/watch/like/not do something, I will dig my heels in deep.  I've been like that my whole life.